Mine to keep and yours to hold...

Dear flower girl👑🌈

I really wanted to put this on here for soo long. But my anxiety told me. It would come as desperate. That it's not right to show my weakness to anyone. That once you know how soo very messed up I am you will run for the hills. That you wouldn't want anything to do with me. Or worst you would start pitting me. Or you won't wanna be friends with me anymore. It happened before. I get bad and everyone leaves. I drown in the sorrows of my past. In the pain of what I didn't prevent.in the dreams that haunt me and night. And I shut everyone out. But they take it as a sign. That I don't trust them and if I did I would share it whatever with them. But they don't know. They don't know it's harder then it seems. I don't want them to know that part of me. The darkness I carry that takes up the potion where light light rightfully belongs. But I've watched my best friend turned into a stranger right before my eyes. I would like to blame her. But I deep down know it was bound to happen. I pushed her away. She could deal with my demons for too long. And that tore my soul into pieces. Unlike others I know she isn't toxic. She is jus too afraid. Afraid of what I could do next.  But that's jus me. I am the girl that spitfire. People tell me how my confidence is admirable and bla bla they don't know the real me. The me that uses that as a cover. To cover the scared Little girl inside. I hate letting people in like that. So the further they can get is by the gates. I hate being weak. I so hate being helpless. But more often than not. I can't help myself. I used to cut you know. To make the pain go away. To make the pain I feel inside go numb. Coz the physical pain is nothing compared to the pain that consumes you from deep inside. Good news is I stopped. One day I jus stopped and said nope I ain't doing this anymore. And by some miracle I never did it again. That day was the first time I opened up to someone. I jut took my phone and called her. My guardian angel. She was soo frustrated that I wasn't saying anything. But she knows how I feel about opening up. I don't talk. Like ever. You probably wondering why I never said he audios about the heavy stuff. I never talk. Writing is my therapy. I jus write. I write what hurts. And for sometime it worked.  But sometimes the demons are soo intense I can't. I jus sit there and cry. I cry soo much I start hurting and then I stop. Crying feels good. It Rinses my soul or so I think. I'm psychotic I know. This is my problem Theo. I start writing go of track and continue anyways. You jus made me feel better. Rape is not the easiest thing to survive. All your beautiful writing helped me. I had all the screenshots. Before I got your number i used to send all your qoates and long texts from a source.And I loved going back and jus reading about n I feel like I'm going bad. You know what I find ironic. Is that I am soo easy trusting other people that's why I get up hurt most of the time. I know there bab people and things like that. But I also believe pipo change and they deserve a chance. But I also learned that some pipo never change. Holster how good you been to them , how well you treated them. They can and they have will take the first opportunity to hurt you. That's why I treat what I went through as a dirty secret noone can ever find out. Not my parents not anyone. But few pipo are lucky. Lucky to have found me at my worst and I told them. But I jus tell them small truths. There is more to it than they think. And what I saw in their eyes Everytime we meet after I tell them what they practically beg me to it pity. God I hate the feeling. All I f a sudden they treat . Thanks like a bomb like am fragile. Crap. They post something.about rape and apologies if it triggers anything. They jus don't know. My mare existence triggers my past. Am a living proof it happened. It's in the the news. The radio. Pipos mouths everywhere. I can't even prevent it if I could wanted to.  But your lil words like saying.am beautiful and such real hit deep. They go soo far as to make me believe I am not any less of what i am because of what I went through. I'm soo tired now I will jus wanted be here.